


A Rare Sight

by we_could_be_heroes



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5046238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_could_be_heroes/pseuds/we_could_be_heroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas and Andy have a special conversation thanks to special circumstances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Rare Sight

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment his life had become this bleak confusion. What was the point of anything? He still scanned the papers for advertisements every morning but couldn't conceive a future in which he had the energy to reply to one. The prospect of redundancy became more stifling with every passing day, but he felt too numb to take any action against it.

He was in a strange, careless mood that evening, as if the outlines of reality around him suddenly became blurry and unimportant, as if they could flicker in and out of existence any moment and nothing mattered very much. Perhaps it was the expectation of the comet that was supposed to become visible that night that made him consider the insignificance of human life - _any_ human life, when it came down to it. The comet was to be a rare sight possible only once in a hundred years: the eyes that would watch it on its next return would belong to a whole new distant and alien generation of people and all of them would be long dead and forgotten. 

Bates recited more details about the comet as they ate dinner and Thomas watched his mouth move, not paying attention to the words. Then it was finally time to join the upstairs folk on the lawn outside, and wait, all equal beneath the stars, for the rare sight.

As the others piled away toward the door, Thomas thought that since there wasn't really a care left in the world, not really, he might as well make one thing clear.

"Wait," he said to Andy who was about to follow the rest outside. "I'd like a word."

"Here?" Andy said, looking about the servant's hall. He looked comically surprised, even slightly apprehensive. Talk to him _outside_ the secrecy of Andy's room where he and Thomas had become accustomed to meet over books? The horror, what will everyone think?

"Yes, just a minute," Thomas said. "It's important."

Andy's brow furrowed - whatever he expected, he looked as if he couldn't wait to be done with. But he owed Thomas now and so, Thomas supposed, no doubt felt obliged to listen to him.

"It's just that I'd like to make something clear," Thomas began, not quite able to keep his eyes fixed on Andy's face. "Whatever they told you," he gestured in the direction the other staff had left, "it's not the whole story. Or if it is, you should hear my side of it, too."

Andy took a breath to say something, but Thomas did not let him. "The truth is - well, I'll tell you. Years ago, there was an incident -" Surprised by his own lack of reserve, Thomas told Andy everything, calmly and in as few sentences as possible - quite the opposite to his wailing confession to Mrs. Hughes all that time ago when, he supposed, many things still mattered. "The point is," Thomas said, now finally meeting Andy's eyes, "there never was any ... hidden motive to me trying to be friends with you. I've never been interested in you in any - improper way. I, well, I thought you should know that."

There was a pause and then Andy said: "Alright, Mr. Barrow."

"Only ten minutes!" Someone shouted from the outside. Saved by the comet, Andy and Thomas left the servant's hall the join the others.

Heads tilted back, they all watched the sky, mesmerized by its vastness. Why didn't they stop to consider it more often? Perhaps then all of their petty troubles and concerns would be put into perspective.

Thomas stood away from the crowd. His fingers shook a bit as he straightened his collar. It was a chilly night, but everyone was too excited for the event of the century to think about bringing a coat. He watched Baxter take Molesley's arm, heard Mrs. Patmore's anxious whisper ("But where should we look? What if I miss it?")

Finally, "There!" Lady Mary said and everyone sighed and gasped or quietly inquired where exactly they should be looking.

All the people beneath the stars naturally drifted closer to one another, forming small groups or couples, touching each other's arms, pointing at the sky and whispering, as if too awed and humbled to speak too loudly.

"It's incredible ... Makes it hard to think any of us matter in any way," Andy said softly as he came to stand by Thomas's side.

"Well, none of us do," Thomas said, keeping his voice low as well.

They kept silent for a while and then Andy asked: "Why?"

"Why none of us matter?" Thomas asked with a wry smile.

"Why have you been never interested in me?" Andy did not take his eyes off the sky.

"Well, I - it's plenty of reasons. I don't -- is this truly something you want to talk about?" Thomas glanced at Andy, wondering whether he was being teased for some reason or other, but could not read anything from the face shining in the darkness.

"It is," Andy said.

"As I said, then, it's different reasons ... I mean, we don't exactly get to choose who we -" _fall in love with,_ Thomas wanted to finish, but couldn't. Many things might not have mattered anymore, but there were still some that did, he was beginning to realize. "I mean, I'm sure someone, some _girl_ , will be happy to be with you, but as for me - there's ... nothing. So you never had to worry in the first place."

"Yes, but why not exactly?" Andy asked, his voice altogether too neutral for Thomas to consider rebuffing him with something witty and insincere.

"Well, you're not -" _Jimmy_ "\- you're not, you're not -" he sounded like a stuck gramophone needle. "It's hard to describe. I, I mean I'm sure some girl-" here she was again, the elusive _some girl_ that lurked in every proper man's future "- some girl will find you very handsome."

"But you don't?"

"This is - it's hard to explain, Andy, as I said. I'm sure you understand."

"Can you try to explain, then?"

Thomas suddenly felt he had let the conversation slip into a direction he had not anticipated. Reality seemed to be getting clearer by the second. Nothing may have mattered in the context of the infinite universe, but a great deal mattered when it came to his own little life.

"You explained _your_ and _you're,_ can't be harder than that?" Andy added, and for the first time, their eyes met.

"It's just I don't feel particularly ... attracted to you," Thomas said, wishing the comet would come closer and annihilate all existence.

"Oh. I see," Andy said in the same flat tone of voice as before. "So there are no circumstances under which you would find me attractive."

"No - _no_ , that's not how I would put it. I mean, clearly, Andy," Honesty couldn't make things worse, could it? Thomas thought and ploughed on with his explanation. "I think you've had enough time to gather that I might well be able to find many men under many circumstances attractive because it's not exactly as if I have many options. Or any options, really."

"So ... you _would_ be interested but only because you're desperate?"

"No no no, that's not how you should understand it!"

"But it's what you said."

"It's not, listen, I - I'm losing control of this conversation. What do you want me to say?"

They were facing each other now and it was as if something had shifted, as if the stars had re-arranged themselves into new constellations and the world with them. They had crossed the chasm between formal, polite friendship and now there was something more tentative, but at the same time more fulfilling between them.

Who knew that it would happen whilst outside, surrounded by other people? But it was a special occasion and they had the rare sight of the comet to thank for isolating them from the prying eyes and ears of the others who, for once, paid them no mind.

"I suppose that," Andy said, his voice finally colored by some emotion, perhaps sadness but hope too, "I didn't want you to say what you said, is all."

 


End file.
